I’m lost

Somewhere, somehow, I lost myself. Between school, work, being a mom, a wife, graduating, all the moves and trying to “fit in,” I’ve lost who I am and who I want to be.

I went into a type of autopilot.  I stopped thinking and caring so much about things which were once important to me.  Stopped trying so hard.

When Gordon an I first were married, I was still in school. We became pregnant fairly quick. I made bread every few weeks, granola bars and fruit leathers were always being rotated through my homemade projects.  I staved to find ways to eat healthily and on a very tight budget.  We had more variety to our meals and we even planned them out.

Family Picture-10/21/09

Family Picture-10/21/09

I graduated eight months pregnant with our second, Tiny.  After Tiny was born, I was doing some at home preschool with Princess. Fruit leathers, granola bars, and bread became occasional projects.  I joined a preschool co-op with two other mothers and we loved it!  We want for walks, play groups, planted gardens, played outside and ran through sprinklers.

Princess' first day of Preschool Co-op

Princess’ first day of Preschool Co-op

Before I gave birth to B, out third child, we had so much happen, everything stopped.  Gordon’s job was in jeopardy when the company he was working for was purchased.  People were being laid off and jobs were being outsourced to India.  There were a few times, by the grace of Heavenly Father, he was put on a list to be let go and he kept his job.

Our lease was ending, we were uncertain how long his job would last, so we moved in with family.  Two little girls, Gordon and I (pregnant), all lived in a little room for a few months.  I was done.  Other than making diner (and the very occasional treat) I wasn’t doing much.  Walks stopped, play groups seemed hard to attend, preschool co-op stopped.

Gordon stated with a new company and within the first month, we found a new place to live.  We moved closer to his work to avoid the hour plus commute.  B was born and it seemed like I failed at everything I tried.  I could barely make it through the day without loosing it.  Struggling with postpartum depression and being a mom of three seemed much harder than I felt it should be.

My cute three kids-6/21/13

My cute three kids-6/21/13

I posted pictures like this (see below) so I would be able to look back one day and laugh.

Tiny stuck in the toy bins.

Tiny stuck in the toy bins.

Now we still have days I loose it, days which end in tears foe everyone, but we also have great days, days we play at the park, days we play with bubbles, days we make sunflower seed butter, days we visit grandparents and days we just spend at home playing.

There are changes ahead I am excited to share, when the time is right.  For now, we have decided to find ourselves again.  Homemade bread, granola bars and fruit leathers will be homemade and fresh instead of store bought.  We will be starting homeschooling and playing more.  We will be reading, coloring, exploring and splashing in puddles.

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Princess’s first real jump!

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Sibling puddle time

Stay tuned as I try to share our journey a little more often. 

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